The Ramblings of the Hopeful Overthinker

I have started off so many of my blog posts with a question, I’m constantly searching for answers. I’m naturally a very curious person but I’m also an over-thinker so you could imagine how that might not mix well. A-lot of questions have been popping up in my mind here and there, combing through the forest of multiple possibilities or self formulated “answers”. I have been looking for the solution to the void. The big scary void that develops inside us from a young age and now that I’m older I realize how that affects us when we don’t recognize that and work to fix it. The empty space inside someone looks different on all of us, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or the need for constant outside validation. You might be like me and have the need for companionship which also plays hand and hand into unhealthy attachments.

I have always measured my worth based on how much someone loves and cares about me. Like somehow my value sky rockets and I’m officially priceless in the eyes of others. And maybe I’m a bit late to the party but I’ve realized that realistically, your value becomes priceless when you learn to value yourself. Learning to take care of yourself and putting yourself on a pedestal is the key. When your focus switches from them to you, that you deserve all the things that you provide to others. There was so many times where all I could think about was if I was doing the best I could to take care of all their needs, emotionally, physically and mentally. To the point where I was so drained because not for a single second did I think, how am I?

I rarely ever think about myself, kind of like I was an afterthought in my own life. Maybe I just wanted to be accepted but that would mean I needed to stop focusing on small things like caring about what people think about me. Unfortunately, it used to be one of my biggest weaknesses, I always seemed to put so much mental energy wondering if people liked me or not. My whole life I had craved acceptance but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how little that matters, what people think shouldn’t affect my life in any way. I’m slowly learning to accept that not every person with accept you, and that is perfectly okay. You might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Most people are so focused on their own lives that they’re too busy to even care about such trivial things and honestly if they don’t like me, well, who cares. Everyone has a right to their own opinions, I’m not going to convince anyone to be in my life or convince them of my worth, if they can’t see that on their own well hopefully the door doesn’t hit them on the way out.

I have done my fair share of begging, begging for people to stay and it gets me nowhere. It’s created an anxious attachment to unhealthy people because I selfishly rely on others to soothe my overthinking mind. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that all I really needed was me. I was asking people hard questions when I should’ve been asking myself and digging deep for the answer. Why do I feel like I need to find comfort in others to soothe my anxiety when I need to do it on my own? Well the short answer is, the need for instant gratification is so much better because when you look inward it takes way too much time to figure out. But that’s the point, it’s supposed to be difficult, if it wasn’t then we would all be healed and unburdened of all past trauma. Soul searching truly is the answer, looking inward and figuring who you are to your very core. It’s hard to figure out where to start but when you do, your soul starts to feel much lighter.

So for me, I’m definitely living by the “Let them” mantra this year. Let them walk out of your life, let them believe they are better off without you, let them. Because it doesn’t really make a difference, you will still be you. Your life will still be your own. Without having your value be based on how people see you or treat you.“And what if they judge me?” Alright and what if they do? Do it anyway. There will always be people out there that will believe the things they want to believe about you, that’s their problem. As long as you never abandon yourself when life gets a bit too messy and complicated. Life is so much more than convincing people to care about you, or stay. Life is about figuring out what shapes you as a person, figuring out who you want to be or who you want to become. And mostly, being proud of the person you are right now because you’ve come such a long way from the person you used to be and that is such a beautiful thing.