The Ramblings of the Hopeful Overthinker

This week, the feelings have been a little harder for me to handle. For some context, I’m going through a breakup. It feels like I’ve had to let go of so many years. So many memories. And as an emotional over-thinker, it’s hard not to take everything so personally. Sometimes I have to remind myself to just breathe and keep moving forward. My tears or the energy I feed my thoughts won’t fix anything. I just have to keep going. Because the world doesn’t stop when we take a moment to cry or sulk in self-pity.

Most of us have probably been here, sitting around wondering if we’ll ever make it through. But we will. I would say that time heals all but to be honest, I don’t really believe that. And before you come after me for my hot take, let me explain. I believe that you’re the only one that can heal you. You are the only person who can measure how quickly or how slowly you heal from whatever wound or void that lies dormant within you. It’s all a matter of choice, you can choose to stay in bed or you can hit the ground running. Unfortunately, as much as we want to be in control of everything that happens in our lives. That’s impossible. We can’t control the people or the situations around us, but we can control our reactions to it.

It’s difficult to see the true colors of someone you once loved or still love with your entire soul. There are moments I wish I could go back in time and change it all. Do it all over, fix it. But that’s not the point, there’s a reason I made it to this moment in time, this very important moment in my life. There is a lesson to be learned here. But man, oh, man, acceptance is so hard. Acceptance of what is, of the past, of the present, of all the mistakes and everything in between. Acceptance that people will eventually show you who they are and it will be a hard pill to swallow. It takes such a resilience, a special kind of strength to learn about the art of letting go and moving on knowing that someone that was such a constant in your life, is missing. Someone you never pictured your life without.

It might even feel like a part of you is gone. But the truth is, people aren’t ours to keep as much as we wish that were true. Every person has a right to leave us at any given moment and there’s not a single thing we could do about it but let them go. And unfortunately they usually leave when we love them the most and we’re never ready or prepared for it. Sometimes people can be like seasons. It’s painful and the grieving of such a loss that can affect the way we show up in the world. But we have the ability to make ourselves whole again. Bring ourselves back from something we thought would completely destroy us. And maybe for a short time it felt like it truly did, but we continue to fight and show up for ourselves. Constantly learning so much in this excruciating process, which is going to have its fair share of ups and downs. Don’t think for one second that it’s not okay to cry sometimes, scream, or just sit there in silence. Whatever you have to do to let it out, and let it go. Do it. Then pick yourself up and keep going.

In my case, my anxious brain internalizes the rejection that I get from others. I start thinking that maybe I’m not good enough. I start wondering if I ever even mattered. That’s the unhealed part of me talking. I can’t love someone into loving me, I could never will something impossible into existence and make it my reality. I’m still attempting to understand and figure out this void inside of me, it’s like a puzzle. But writing to all of you and documenting this journey has helped me put certain things into perspective. Everyday I realize how difficult it is to heal in solitude, I heard it’s actually one of the hardest things to go through, just me and my thoughts. And I know how dramatic that sounds but it’s not just the loss of a significant other that you grieve, it’s also the loss of yourself.

With all these feelings and thoughts that have come up these last weeks I have realized, none of us should ever feel like we’re hard to love or feel like the more love we put into someone that maybe, just maybe, it could make a difference. We shouldn’t have to convince people of our worth or value, because deep down it has nothing to do with us. We all show up broken in one way or the other but that’s how light gets in to all of us. That’s apart of our uniqueness or our character. You and I both know that you are good enough, you are worthy of all the love you give to others. The right people won’t need to be convinced, they will know who you are to your very core. And the one thing I truly believe is for certain is there will come a time where all the love that you put into others will find its way back to you. Stronger than you could ever imagine.